'Coming Out' as a Boy Scout Has a Price - NYTimes.com

National Coming Out Day, on Oct. 11 this year, is a day that provokes mixed feelings among those it prompts, or has prompted, to reveal a sexual identity that they have hidden. But in Helping a Child to Come Out, the New York Times? John Schwartz writes about another group that, he says, regards the day with a mixture of longing, impatience and expectation: the parents of children who know that their son or daughter is gay, but hasn?t yet worked up the courage to tell them.

Parents aren?t blind, and the clues are often there. Some research suggests that sexual orientation can show itself even at three years old. In our own family, by the time our youngest son came out at 13, my wife and I had long progressed from inkling to conviction?.

We?re not the only ones, said Ellen Kahn, the director of the Family Project for the Human Rights Campaign, a leading advocacy group for gays and lesbians. Recalling that her own tomboy ways served as a signal, she said, ?I was one of those kids, and my parents were those parents.?

There are, as Mr. Schwartz writes, many things that can push a gay teen toward or away from coming out publicly or at home. He felt that as difficult as coming out might be, his son would be happier for not fearing that he was hiding a part of himself from his family. But there are still places where intolerance is the norm, and still punishments available for those who are open about that facet of their identity, as Ryan Andresen has discovered.

Ryan is a teenager whose mother says has completed all the requirements to become an Eagle Scout. Her recent Change.org petition, which has collected nearly 150,000 signatures as of this writing, says that ?when leadership in Troop 212 (San Francisco Bay Area) found out that Ryan was gay, the Scoutmaster said he refused to sign the official paperwork designating Ryan as an Eagle Scout.? It?s easy to see why some teens might feel that ?don?t ask, don?t tell? is still the best way to be gay within some communities.

Recent history suggests that the Boy Scouts are not moved by public opinion, and their stance reflects the shifting ground on which many gay people feel they stand today: accepted in some places and rejected in others. That?s reflected, too, in the advice Mr. Schwartz collected for parents in the position he was once in: don?t push a teenager to come out. It?s your teenager?s identity to reveal, and once a teenager is out within his or her family, parents might to advise that those same children move more slowly in other areas of their lives.

The terrain of gay adolescence isn?t easy, and the appearance of acceptance in the media may make accepting the challenges even harder for parents anxious to smooth paths for their children. I suspect Ryan will not get his Eagle Scout award. The strength to be honest about who he is even when that identity isn?t welcome, and the support of a family who values that honesty, will have to be reward enough.

Source: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/10/06/coming-out-as-a-boy-scout-has-a-price/

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